Writings and Ramblings
Date: April 10th
Location: Buena Vista
I haven't been sleeping well this week. I think I've been up since 3 or 4. Showered, made a new playlist, drove to Buena Vista for breakfast. Today is payday. I've been broke for two weeks but I need to be careful with my money before (during, after, forever) Alaska. But I am treating myself to breakfast.
I want love, to see beautiful things, to inspire others to love the world too. I do love this world as it is, as it was, as it will be. But I still want to die. My brain is so reactive to bad feelings that it interprets any negative change in mood as a reason to die. That's a better alternative to feeling the feelings apparently.
How do I sit with a feeling? Invite it to the table for a conversation, "Look you don't have to say anything. Let's just be here together." And we'll sit like that for a long time. Instead of a conversation it's a hostage negotiation.
I feel the tears right now behind my eyes. An unfortunate side effect of my mood stabilizers is that it's harder to cry, to feel any relief at all. Like being trapped. I would love to cry, to relieve the pressure just a little bit.
I told my partner, "I don't think medication can fix me, this is just who I am now."
It feels endless, a vast expanse I will forever be forced to traverse.
Most barren expanses have some sort of life evolved to survive the conditions. Can I adapt and evolve? Abandon the upright posture of those who have come before me, drop to all fours and howl my existence into the ether? I am here, but I am changed.
Unidentified Sparrow: Clinging to the wall when I left my apartment this morning. The door disturbing her sleep, she flew off into the darkness.
Til next time ... Finley